The Whole Goddamn Thing
by DaHaloChick
Summary: A collection of my FemShep/Kaidan turning into FemShep/Zaeed drabbles that take place over the course of ME2. Put together in a collection by request. More coming! Spoilers abound!
1. The Price of Death

Rowan didn't know whether to to laugh or simply shake her head at the sight that greeted her when she entered her quarters. She had never seen something so…over-indulgent on a ship before in her life, and she had spent her entire childhood on ships. She wondered how serious Cerberus really was about their mission if they were willing to pump so many credits into this kind of unneeded excess.

As she walked further into the room, however, she couldn't help but admit to herself that it was a sweet room nonetheless. The decor was sleek and downright beautiful, the large, white bed at the far end of the room looked extremely comfortable even from this distance, and to the right she was pleased to see a desk, complete with a personal terminal and a small collection of books.

Many people wouldn't expect it of her, but Rowan loved to read. Her parents were often away on missions, and she had found early on in life that literature of every sort was a more than adequate way to put her loneliness aside. Even during some of the toughest times on the Normandy, she had yearned for the comfort of a book to take her mind off of things.

Curiosity got the best of her as she approached the desk, wondering what books were there. She doubted they were works of fiction, but that didn't matter to her. As she got closer, she realized there was a medal of honor next to the books. She picked it up gently and read the engraving. "Commander Rowan Shepard of the SSV Normandy, Hero to the Galaxy'," she read aloud. She scoffed, placing it back down on the table gently. Considering the bits and pieces of information she had heard about the changes in human-alien relations in the past two years that she had been dead, Rowan highly doubted there were many who agreed with the sentiment carved into the medal.

She turned her head suddenly at the sound of a beep and a light flickering. She realized a digital photo frame was next to the medal, and she felt her chest tighten when she recognized the image that appeared there.

"Kaidan."

His name exited her lips in a shaky breath. Slowly, she reached out a shaky hand, letting her fingers run along the cool surface of the frame. She hadn't known what she had expected to feel from touching the photo, but the absence of the warm, soft skin she had felt the night before Ilos forced a sob to escape her. She felt her knees give way, unable to take her eyes off of the photo as her body plunked awkwardly into the chair beside the desk.

She had been so caught up in everything that had come with her being pieced back together that she hadn't even realized the deeper effects of her absence. She had asked several people about her crew, of course, and she had learned that most of them had survived and had drifted off onto their own paths, but now, faced with the digital image of Kaidan, she felt what she had lost truly begin to sink in.

What the hell was she supposed to do if she ran into any of her crew again? She had already seen Tali on Freedom's Progress, and she had refused to come along with her, saying that she had her own mission now. She held no ill feelings, of course, but now she wondered, would the others receive her return any better than Tali had?

_What would Kaidan think if he saw me? He has to have moved on by now…_The thought tore at her insides, yet she knew that she could do nothing to prevent that. Their mission to stop Saren had been so pressing that they hadn't had a chance to really discover what had been between them. However, when she had woken up before their arrival on Ilos, met with the sight of Kaidan sleeping peacefully with his arms around her and a small smile on his face, she knew it was serious. She had never let anyone get as close to her as Kaidan had been, and her death had surely cost her that.

It had cost her countless other things too, of course, but as Kaidan's image blurred in her vision and warm tears fell from her eyes, she knew that he was the most important thing she had lost.

_I can't let him slip away from me_, she thought to herself suddenly, _not without a damn good fight_.

She had to find Kaidan somehow, had to discover what he was up to. Even if he had moved on, she couldn't live with herself if she didn't at least see him. She wanted him to know that she was alive, to maybe take away whatever pain her passing had caused him. She had to try and find not just Kaidan, she decided, but her entire crew.

They were her family, the one group of people that she let herself relax around and trusted with her life. She owed it to them to seek them out, to be sure they were okay, to perhaps take whatever sorrow her death had caused them away as well. She had to try her damnedest.

"There you go again," Rowan said to the image before her solemnly, "Inspiring me to do my best, no matter what. You always were good at that."

For now, however, for at least a few minutes, she could allow herself to mourn what she had lost. As she let herself sob from the bottom of her gut, she swore to herself that when she was done, she would dry her tears, give the Collectors hell, and find her crew, her family, again. They never abandoned her, and she sure as hell wouldn't abandon them, no matter what.


	2. Hold On

_"I loved you."_

_"You betrayed everything we stood for. You betrayed _me_."_

Rowan slammed down the glass of straight whiskey as Kaidan's words replayed themselves in her head yet again. She had rehearsed the words she has said to him countless times to herself on their way to Horizon, but the flaw in her plan had been that, in all of those mental rehearsals, he had actually listened to her.

He had refused to hear her out.

"How can you say you loved me if you wouldn't even let me fucking _explain_!" she ranted to herself, filling her glass yet again from the bottle she had pilfered from Zaeed. She downed a large gulp of it, telling herself that the wetness in her eyes was from the burn of the whiskey going down her throat.

Still, the whiskey was easier to swallow than Kaidan's words had been. She had figured he would be upset at the situation, so his anger was no surprise, but she had lost her composure when he had accused her of abandoning him, of not even trying to contact him. She had been dead for two years, literally being pieced back together. How the hell was she supposed to contact him like that?

She understood his anger, she thought as she drained the glass. She really did. She couldn't imagine what she would feel if she had seen Kaidan after thinking he was dead for that long. What really got to her, she realized, was his selfishness.

During their brief talk, all he seemed concerned about was him and his own pain. How she had left _him_ behind, how _he_ felt betrayed, how hard it was for _him_ to see her again. He never once stopped to look at her, at the scars on her face and pain in her eyes, to wonder what _she_had gone through.

That wasn't the Kaidan she knew. The man she loved - or _had_ loved - was sweet, with a good heart, always inspiring her and making her laugh, always comforting her when things were at their darkest. She needed him now more than she ever had, and he had responded by crushing her beneath his cruel words. "And he had the nerve to say _I'm_the one that's changed," she said angrily as she started on her third glass.

Just as she was about to pour her fourth, her door opened. "EDI, I thought I told you to keep my door locked!" She didn't need anyone on the ship seeing her like this.

"In this instance, I felt it was in your best interest to ignore your order, Commander," she replied. "It is the first time that Mr. Moreau and I have agreed on something."

Rowan rolled her eyes, turning towards the door as it began to close behind her unwanted visitor. A pair of mismatched eyes glared at her, a grumble escaping his throat. "There's my god damn whiskey. What the fuck do you think you're doing stealing my stuff, Shepard?"

She simply grinned, holding out the half empty bottle to him. "Here, you can have it back."

Zaeed snatched it from her hand, glowering at her for several moments before taking a long swig himself. "You're piss drunk, Shepard."

"I'd be even more drunk, if you wouldn't have taken my whiskey."

"It's _my_whiskey," he said matter-of-factly, "And you don't need a damned drop more of it." He leaned against the wall, watching her thoughtfully. "Did your fucker of a former squadmate get to you that badly?"

She simply slammed the glass down again on her desk in answer.

Rowan's anger only seemed to amuse Zaeed, however. "Let me guess. Former lover of yours?"

"How did you..." Rowan followed his gaze behind her, to the picture of Kaidan on her desk. She grabbed it and flipped it face down.

He smirked. "Not like you to give up on anything."

"You don't understand what he said," she said, her words slurring slightly, "What it _meant_. After everything he and I had been through, he stands there and accuses me of betraying him!"

Zaeed scoffed. "He's an idiot, Shepard. I don't even know your damned history with him, or even care to, and I could see that." He took another swig from the bottle. "Let me tell you this story about this one fight I had with this bitch of a Krogan."

She groaned. "Zaeed, I can't deny that your war stories are fucking awesome, but I _really_don't need them right now."

"Shut up and listen." The tone he used made even her drunken mind pay attention. "He and I are tradings shots, getting nowhere. That doesn't fly with me. I knew I had to do something to get an advantage, or the fight would into a test of who could fucking go the longest without sleep. So, I figure, I can rush at him from the left or the right, 50/50 chance. I ran to the left." He scowled. "Wrong choice. He shot Jesse right out of my hand, the bastard."

"Now, I look forward, and a few feet in front of me is another gun, probably from someone else I'd killed to get to the krogan. I realized I had a choice; I could either grab Jesse, which would have been exactly what the bastard was expecting me to do, or I could take him by surprise and grab the other gun."

"You grabbed Jesse."

"Your god damn right I did. He got me good in the arm, but I was able to toss Jesse into my other hand and got him right between the eyes." He poked the same area on his own face. "After I make sure he's dead, I go over to the other gun on the floor. Turns out the bloody thing had no ammo left. If I would have picked up that gun instead of Jesse, I would have been a dead man."

Rowan sighed. "What's your point, Zaeed?"

"My point is, Jesse has seen me through more battles that I care to fucking count. Even when it could have cost me everything to hold on to her, I did it anyway. She's a reliable gun, and was until the day she stopped working." He looked her straight in the eyes. "When something makes you that fucking strong, you don't just let it fall. You pick it up and hold on."

Rowan sat there speechless, simply staring at him. He must have been satisfied with her reaction, she figured, because he pulled himself away from the wall and pulled her up by her arm. "Off to bed now, so you can sleep this off. Miranda will have a shitfit if she sees you drunk off your ass."

She turned to stumble down the small set of stairs to her bed, only stopping to screech in surprise as Zaeed's hand collided with her backside. "Come on, come on! I don't got all day!"

"Why the hell are you even helping me?" she asked, turning towards him and falling backwards onto her bed. He crossed his arms over his chest as she pulled her sheets over her body.

"You helped me with Vido," he said simply, "I'm returning the favor."

"Oh," she said simply, looking away in embarrassment. "Thanks."

He scowled down at her. "Besides, I need to make sure you're back up on your feet soon, because you owe me a fucking bottle of whiskey!"


	3. I'll Be Waiting

Kaidan couldn't believe his eyes when he checked his messages. There, in glowing letters, the words 'RE: About Horizon...' sat, sending a flurry of emotions through him. He had no idea what to expect. Part of him was scared, yet he found himself opening the message and reading.

_Kaidan,_

_Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it. I can't imagine how the past two years have changed you; for me, it hasn't even been two *months*. I think we were both a little wrapped up in our own pain._

_Still, I want my chance to explain, and God help me, you're going to listen this time._

_In an instant, I went from suffocating in space to an operating table, in the midst of Cerberus, being told that countless credits were spent on reconstructing me to save the entire human race (and the entire rest of the universe, it looks like)._

_What was I supposed to do? I went with two of their operatives to a recently abducted colony, and saw the proof for myself. Cerberus or not, they were giving me the tools to do what was right, and I was going to use them._

_It wasn't until I walked into my quarters and saw a picture of you on my desk that I remembered what I'd lost. The moment I stopped looking ahead and glanced back, I...I can't even put words to it, but the pain was indescribable._

_At the forefront of all of that was you. What had happened to you? Were you safe? Happy? Surely, you had moved on. The thought hurt more than I could imagine, and all I wanted to do was find you._

_That night before Ilos meant just as much to me as it did to you, if not more. All of my life, people have wanted nothing more of me than a piece of my fame, or to use me for some goal. You were the first person to truly care about me for who I am. I loved you. I still do._

_Needless to say, our meeting on Horizon wasn't what I expected. I was crushed. I can't put into words how much you hurt me. You were unwilling to listen, and quite frankly, you were an ass._

_But that's not you. That's not the Kaidan I know. That isn't the man that I love. I don't even know if you *are* that man anymore._

_To that end, I am still the same person. What felt like two years to you was two seconds to me. I'm still who I was. I am going to stop the Collectors, and save everyone I can along the way._

_When that's done, when everyone is safe, I will find you. I'm not giving up on you - on us - yet. Not by a long shot. You should know better than to doubt me. You may be unsure about what lies ahead for us, but I'm not letting this go without a fight._

_Be safe, and take care of yourself. Please._

_Yours,_

_Rowan_

Kaidan sat there in shock, reading the words several times over. Eventually, he found the ability to move his fingers, deciding to reply in the only way he possibly could.

_I'll be waiting._


	4. Black and White

"It may not seem like it, but you did the right thing," Zaeed assured her. "Killing Vido solves a lot of problems, and not just my own."

Rowan sat down on a nearby box, looking down at the floor. "It doesn't feel like I did the right thing. When I was with the Alliance, I would have risked _anything_ to save those innocent lives." They sat in silence for several moments before Shepard started musing out loud. "There was this one time where we cornered this terrorist and his entire group. They were holding this place hostage, and they had the room with the hostages rigged with explosives. I had two choices: Kill him and lose the innocents, or let him go and save them." She sighed. "I let the terrorist go. I figured that, since I was a Specter, I could make time to hunt him down later." She looked up at Zaeed. "I used to lay awake at night sometimes, wondering if he had hurt anyone else. If he did, it'd be on my head."

Zaeed pulled himself off of the wall to take several steps towards her, chuckling. "Finally, I get to hear a battle story from you, huh?" When it became obvious that she wasn't amused, he sighed. "Shepard, not every decision is black and white. Sometimes, people who don't deserve to die just goddamn have to, for the greater good. They're in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Rowan thought on that for a moment. "Do you think I made the wrong decision with that terrorist, then?"

"Yes," he said, without hesitation. "If those innocent people died, you'd know that they were that terrorist's last victims. You may have saved their lives, but you risked a hell of a lot of others."

"I don't know why I made that call, now that I think about it," she said aloud. "It just felt like the right thing to do in that moment."

"Like I said, not every decision is black and white." Zaeed moved in front of her, looking her straight in the eye. "You're not the first person to regret a decision they've made, Shepard, and you won't be the goddamn last." He looked at her oddly. "Out of curiosity, why did you decide to help me instead of saving those people?"

Rowan looked back at him. "You helped me after I ran into Kaidan on Horizon. I wanted to return the favor."

"What you did for me is way fucking more than what I did for you," he pointed out.

"It wasn't just that," she admitted. "After hearing what Vido did to you…I felt like you deserved your revenge. To be honest, I'd be lying if I said my fight against the collectors wasn't partially personal. They killed me, several members of my crew, and destroyed my ship, after all."

Zaeed laughed at that. "People need to learn that, when it comes to people like you and me, you better make damn sure you kill us the first time, or you'll regret it." He gave her a resolved look. "You helped me with my revenge, Shepard. I'm going to make damn sure I help you with yours."

She stood, smiling at him. "Thank you, Zaeed."

He replied by smirking back at her, which only made her smile widen.


	5. That Damned Alenko Kid

Zaeed sat on the couch, watching Shepard fall asleep. He didn't mean to lord over her like a guardian, but he couldn't bring himself to leave.

He didn't trust her in this state, didn't even know what to expect of her. True, he was slightly buzzed himself, but he had only seen her drunk once before, when she had to sneak down into the cargo bay to steal _his_ goddamn whiskey. From that experience and the time they had spent drinking together tonight, he assumed she rarely drank at all. He turned his head to the mini bar near the couch he was sitting at. _No wonder why she stole my whiskey; everything she has up here is shit. At least I gave her the damn whiskey this time, rather than her fucking stealing it._He turned back to Shepard as she turned over. She moaned in agony, her hand going to her forehead before settling down into her pillows.

_This isn't fucking _right_._

The woman before him, drunk and depressed, with tears forming in the corners of her tightly-shut eyes, was not the Shepard he knew.

Rowan Shepard was a strong leader, always level-headed and kind-hearted, trying her best to find a balance between doing what she had to and doing what was right. She walked a fine line on that account, considering the mission she was on and the fact that she was working with a group whose tactics were known to be questionable at best. Lately, she seemed to be fighting the fight to continue toeing that line rather hard. Still, she had seemed to be managing at keeping all of that in balance.

Until she had run into that damned Alenko kid.

The moment they set eyes on each other, he knew that they'd been fucking before the original Normandy went down. Kaidan had pulled Shepard into a hug that was almost uncomfortably long, and her voice had been thick with relief and joy at the sight of him.

Alenko had responded to her joy by taking one of the most badass women he had ever met, and with a few stubborn, stuck-up, holier-than-fucking-thou words, turned her into a drunken mess.

That fucking kid was the most delusional and self-centered person he had come across in a long time. He understood why the kid was fucking pissed, but he didn't even let Shepard try to speak. He seemed to want some sort of explanation, some answers, closure, but he hadn't let Shepard get a word in edgewise. He just plowed through his childish rant and left.

He looked back over to Shepard, who was scratching the tip of her nose in her sleep. He never thought he would see her like this.

_She needs to toughen up, and forget about that goddamn piece of shit._

Looking at her, he finally began to understand why he was being so protective of her. The both of them had been through hell and back, through impossible odds. Given, getting spaced and being pieced back together was an entirely different story from being shot in the head point-blank and living to tell the tale, but the essence of their pasts were the same.

They'd both been royally fucked, and rather than sitting down and taking it, they got back up on their feet, got stronger, and went after the motherfuckers that did it to them.

That, however, was where they differed.

Zaeed killed for money, plain and simple. He didn't care to know the why or the who, he just needed to know where to point his gun. Shepard was trying to hold on to who she was before she had died, and she was finding it increasingly difficult. Coming back from the fucking dead had been understandably hard on her, and it was finally taking it's toll.

Yes, that was the difference. Where Zaeed had embraced what was before him, Shepard was trying to stay in the past.

The problem was, she was failing at it. There was no shame in that; everyone grows bitter at something in their goddamn lives. The goal is to face it, own it, learn from it, and move the fuck on. Shepard was stuck in the past. Stuck on what she had lost rather than everything that she had before her to gain.

_Stuck to that goddamn Alenko kid._

He refused to let that happen. He had promised to help her get her revenge, and he would. If she was going to really get rid of the Collectors and the Reapers, she had to let go of all of the shit in her past. She had to learn to fucking look _forward_for once.

He saw her shiver slightly, her arms and head curling into her body. He stood slowly, grabbing her white sheets and pulling them up over her shoulders as gently as he could manage.

He resolved to keep a closer eye on her from now on. Zaeed was never one for babysitting people, especially concerning situations that he had nothing to fucking do with, but Shepard had gone against her very nature to help him get his revenge, because she felt he deserved it.

He would do the same for her, for that very same reason. She deserved her revenge, her own happiness. She deserved freedom from that fucking Alenko kid, and he would do his damnedest to help her get there.


	6. Intrusion

"Shepard, I got a brand new bottle of…" Zaeed's words failed him at the sight before him as he entered Shepard's bedroom.

She was sitting on her bed, looking into a mirror, wearing nothing but a white bathrobe. She was brushing long, chocolate strands of freshly dried hair into soft waves. The thought occured to him that he had never seen her with her hair down before; she always kept it up in a bun, to keep it out of her face.

She turned to him, and then they were both staring at eachother in silence, him with his fingers tightly curled around a brand new bottle of whiskey, and her with her hairbrush poised mid-stroke in a section of her hair. Zaeed found it difficult to even process a single thought, so they stayed that way, simply staring at eachother, until she took a deep breath, broke their eye contact, and finally spoke.

"I just got out of the shower a little while ago," she said, her green eyes filled with exasperation. "You can't just barge into my room!"

"Sorry." He was surprised that he was able to manage even that small word.

He expected her to be angry, but instead she gave him a small smile. "Wait outside for a minute while I get changed." Her smile widened. "Then we can get into whatever bottle you brought with you."


	7. What You Own

"Shepard, I got a brand new bottle of…" Zaeed's words failed him at the sight before him as he entered Shepard's bedroom.

She was sitting on her bed, looking into a mirror, wearing nothing but a white bathrobe. She was brushing long, chocolate strands of freshly dried hair into soft waves. The thought occured to him that he had never seen her with her hair down before; she always kept it up in a bun, to keep it out of her face.

She turned to him, and then they were both staring at eachother in silence, him with his fingers tightly curled around a brand new bottle of whiskey, and her with her hairbrush poised mid-stroke in a section of her hair. Zaeed found it difficult to even process a single thought, so they stayed that way, simply staring at eachother, until she took a deep breath, broke their eye contact, and finally spoke.

"I just got out of the shower a little while ago," she said, her green eyes filled with exasperation. "You can't just barge into my room!"

"Sorry." He was surprised that he was able to manage even that small word.

He expected her to be angry, but instead she gave him a small smile. "Wait outside for a minute while I get changed." Her smile widened. "Then we can get into whatever bottle you brought with you."

When Zaeed exited the room, Shepard jumped off of her bed, quickly going to her wardrobe to pick out an outfit. She picked the first one she could find and quickly put it on, feeling heat rise to her face. What in the hell had made him feel it was okay to just barge into her room like that? Why had they both just sat there, staring at each other like idiots?

Rowan did her best to shake it off, being sure to grab her hair and twist it up into her signature bun before calling out to him. "You can come back in now."

Zaeed walked in almost cautiously this time, but quickly turned back into his normal self when he saw that she was fully dressed. "Sorry about that, Shepard."

She waved a hand in air as if to dismiss the thought. "No worries, just do me a favor and knock next time?"

He nodded in agreement, then held up the bottle of whiskey with a smirk. She walked over to her couch, grabbing two glasses and handing them to him so he could fill them. "So, is this going to be our new thing now? You start bringing me whiskey so that I don't steal yours?"

He let out a chuckle. "If that's what it takes to keep you away from my own goddamn booze, then yeah, why not?" He gave her an odd look before sitting down and handing her a glass. "The company's not bad, at least."

"Agreed," she said, lifting her glass to him before taking a sip. They sat there for a while, making small talk and cracking jokes as they drank. Everything from rumors floating around the ship to ideas on destroying the Collectors were touched upon as the night wore on. Eventually, as seemed to be the pattern as of late, their conversation turned to a particular person.

"So, have you heard from Alenko yet?" He seemed to be watching her carefully as he posed the question.

Rowan put her glass down onto the table. She had been getting annoyed at this tendency he had seemed to develop of bringing up Kaidan for a while now. Ever since she had admitted to him that he had sent her a message and she had replied, he had been asking the same question. "How come every time we drink together, you ask me that?"

He shrugged. "I know you're waiting to hear from him. It's just something to talk about."

"Well, the answer hasn't changed." She picked up her glass again, taking another sip and staring at him thoughtfully. "I thought you didn't care about what was going on with Kaidan and I. You told me as much when I stole your whiskey." He silently poured himself another glass and took a sip. "I asked you a question, Zaeed. Tell me the real reason you keep asking about Kaidan."

This time, it was his turn to put his glass down with a frustrated clank. "Do you really want to fucking know, Shepard?"

She put her glass down as well, leaning towards him slightly. "Yes, Zaeed. I really want to fucking know."

He took a deep breath before speaking. "I didn't give a damn about you and that Alenko kid, at least not at first. I figured, you were upset, you drank a little too much, and you'd get over it. But you haven't."

She sighed. "I'm fine, Zaeed."

"No, you're not." He sat forward, looking her straight in the eyes. "I can tell from the piss-poor selection of booze you have up here that you're not a big drinker. Yet you've been getting goddamn close to being able to match me glass-for-glass lately. You haven't gotten over it, Shepard. You're just blurring your goddamn vision of it with alcohol."

She crossed her arms over her chest defensively. "What if I am?"

"You're better than that!" he said. The anger in his statement was filled with such force that she actually felt her body shrink back slightly. "We have a mission to do, Shepard, and you have a solid crew, a loaded ship, and all of the strength and drive in the goddamn universe to do it with. I can't for the goddamn life of me figure out why you can't just put him aside and move on!"

She swallowed hard. "I don't want to talk about this, Zaeed." _Please, just let it go._

"You never do!" he moved closer to her, not breaking his eye contact with her. "That doesn't mean that you aren't going to have to, at least at some fucking point. It might as well be now."

She stood up, walking to the other side of the room, away from him, to stare at the wall in defiance.

"Rowan." The sound of her first name coming from his lips in an almost tender manner made her turn her head towards him. "You can talk to me, for fucks sake!"

Shepard turned to face him. "Zaeed, just drop it, please. I'll admit, he's been on my mind lately, a lot, and I don't want to talk about him. I just want to have a few drinks and relax. Can we please just drop the subject?"

To her surprise, he bolted to his feet, stalking over to her until his very aura had her pinned to the wall. "_No_. I know you, Shepard, better than you fucking realize. You don't want to show weakness, and I can respect that, but there is something goddamn wrong with you, and you're going to fess up to it before this goddamn night is over!"

She looked at him, frozen in a mixture of shock and fear. His mismatched eyes were practically blazing with anger…and a hint of concern as well. "You're really that concerned that you won't let this go?"

"_Yes_."

She grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. "I've moved on, Zaeed." She glared at his sneer. "I'm serious! I feel like I've finally reached a point where I'm…okay with losing him." She looked away, feeling her cheeks turn pink. "That's whats bothering me. I replied to that damn message he sent me, telling him that I wouldn't let what we had just slip away, that I'd go and find him when this was all over, that I wouldn't give up, or lose faith, like he did." She looked back up at him. "I wish I could take that back."

Clearly, her explanation hadn't been what Zaeed was expecting. He seemed to search her eyes for something, perhaps to see if she was telling the truth, before he spoke. "You don't feel that way anymore?"

"I…" She pounded her fist backwards into the wall. "No, I don't, and I feel like _I'm_the bad guy now for it! How could I tell him all of that stuff and then just…up and change my mind like that!"

"Why couldn't you?" he asked. "He certainly had no fucking problem reaming you a new asshole on Horizon." He seemed to hesitate before he spoke his next sentence. "To be honest, Shepard, I don't get why you still fucking cling to him like you do."

She swallowed hard, fighting back tears. _Not in front of him_. "I don't get it anymore, either."

He seemed to visibly relax at that, and his face softened. "There's nothing wrong with that, Shepard." He took a step closer to her. "You've been through a lot of shit since you died. It's normal that you'd start doubting things." He seemed even more hesitant than before as he gently laid a hand on her shoulder. "I know what you're going through. You're thinking darker thoughts, realizing you're capable of doing things that go against what you thought were your own goddamn morals. That's _normal_, and for fucks sake Shepard, it's _okay_."

She sniffled despite herself. "I…everyone depends on me to be some perfect, all-encompassing hero. They expect me to just be brought back to life, jump right back to work, and save the entire universe. _Again_."

"That's their goddamn problem!" he declared vehemently. "You can only do your best, Shepard. If it's not good enough for anyone else, then fuck 'em all to hell." He squeezed her shoulder gently. "You've done more than enough for the galaxy, and you'll do more when we stop the Collectors." He held her gaze with a serious look. "The only thing that makes me doubt that is seeing you tear yourself up like this."

Rowan felt embarrassment and realization flow through her. "You're right," she said, her voice almost whimsical, as if it were some great, big discovery. "You're absolutely right."

He nodded. "God damn right I am! Don't feel guilty over your own goddamn feelings, Shepard. _Own them_."

Later that night, after Zaeed and his bottle of whiskey had left, Shepard sat herself down at her private terminal and began to type.

_Kaidan,_

_You haven't sent me a single message since you responded to the last one I sent you. You gave me one line. 'I'll be waiting'._

_The thing is, Kaidan, I'm the only one who's sitting here, still having faith in what we had. You said yourself that you had just about moved on before we ran into eachother. To be honest, I think that I'm the one who's waiting, not you._

_And now, I have to apologize, because I'm done waiting._

_I know I typed a lot of pretty words and made a lot of promises in the last message I sent you, but I'm not sure I can stand behind what I said anymore. You were right, Kaidan. I've changed._

_I've died and come back from the dead. I've dealt with the fallout from the time my friends and family have struggled in my absence. I awoke to find everything I had fought for, for the galaxy, for humanity, completely undone._

_And you know what? You weren't there for any of it. That hurt more than you will ever know. I needed you more than anything in the world, Kaidan, and when it counted, you all but spat on my face. If you have a right to be selfish about your pain, then I do, too._

_Maybe this is for the best. Maybe, when this is all over, if we do run into each other again, things might be different. I don't know, I really can't say._

_What I can tell you, however, is that I can't make you any more promises. It isn't fair to me to have to keep those promises when you're too scared to try and fight for what we had, and it isn't fair to you to think that I'm sitting here patiently waiting for you, when my heart and my head tell me that the pain is too great to do that._

_I would ask for you to forgive me, but I can't rightfully do that, being that I have yet to find it within myself to forgive you._

_Take care of yourself, Kaidan. Be careful, and be happy._

_-Shepard_


	8. Turning Wheels

About this piece: It's very short. It was something that sprang into my mind while doing Miranda's loyalty mission. Spoilers for it abound!

Zaeed saw Shepard's mental wheels turning as the merc in front of them babbled on about how much his boss was going to fuck them up. What the poor guy didn't know was that Shepard was doing this for Miranda, a member of her crew. Nobody ever got away with fucking with Shepard's crew, especially not in front of her face.

He couldn't hide his grin as she grabbed his head mid-sentence and twisted, breaking his neck cleanly and then gracefully pulling out her gun and firing alongside Miranda. As he joined in the firefight, he couldn't help but feel rather proud of her.

It brought about a different emotion in him as well, but it wasn't one that he had time to think about at the moment. Instead, he concentrated on doing what he did best.


	9. I'm Owning It

Shepard was shocked to see Zaeed on the third floor of the ship, leaning against the wall opposite the elevator, a smirk on his face as she approached. "You were talking with Miranda, I take it?"

Rowan nodded. "She's doing a lot better, now that she knows her sister is safe." She smiled at him. "I wasn't sure what to think about urging her to talk to her sister, but my gut told me it was the right thing to do. Turns out, her sister was happy to know that she had family out there who was watching her back."

He nodded. "And that stunt you pulled on that merc?"

"What? Me breaking his neck?" she chuckled. "As you once so eloquently put it, 'sometimes, people just have to goddamn die'."

He laughed at that. "I told you, you have to learn to listen to me more goddamn often!" When his laughter died down, he gave her a rather serious look. "Do you regret it? Miranda's friend still died."

"Yes, he did." Her face fell a bit. "I wouldn't say I'm proud of doing it, but I think it had to be done. It was better than Miranda killing him." She mustered the most confident look she could. "Let's just say, I'm owning it."

Zaeed simply smiled and patted her shoulder gently as he walked past her and into the elevator.


	10. Changes

Zaeed noticed a significant change in Shepard in the days that followed their last conversation. He had first noticed it after their chat following their mission to help get Miranda's sister to safety. Now, he noticed it everywhere.

Whenever he crossed paths with her in the halls, she was speeding off to some area of the ship, rather than spending all of her time sulking in her room. She was even speaking to the crew more often, and they seemed to be happier for it. When he had first joined the crew, he had noticed that Shepard had a way of inspiring people. She would talk to him, and really _listen_ to them, and they could feel her passion and her honesty, and it would make them flock around her like goddamn bees to honey. She had regained that part of herself.

Most of all, she was smiling again, really smiling, and laughing, and genuinely enjoying what she was doing. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen that from her.

Finally, it seemed like she had listened to his advice. He doubted that his words were the only thing that had brought about these changes, however. That was why he was paying her a visit tonight.

He knocked on the outside of her door. "Come on in!" she called. Zaeed entered, mentally cursing as he found her yet again sitting on her bed, brushing her hair out. _At least she's fucking dressed this time._ "Don't tell me you just got finished showering again."

She laughed. "Yes, actually. I got a really good workout in tonight." She put the brush down, turning to him. "What can I do for you, Zaeed?"

He forced himself to take normal breaths as he looked at her, the light from the lamp behind her shining through her long brown hair. _It's longer than I thought it was._ "I wanted to see how you were doing. You've been practically skipping down the goddamn halls lately." He smirked. "It's nice to see."

She all but beamed at him. "I'm doing much better, thank you." She looked away briefly, clearing her throat. "I…ah, sent Kaidan another message."

Zaeed took that as his cue to walk forward, sitting down on the couch near her bed. "What did you say?"

She gave him a rather brave look. "Everything that I wanted to. I told him how I felt, and that I couldn't make him any promises. I told him I had to let go of him to concentrate on what was important." She looked down almost sadly. "I've been feeling that way for a while, I'm just disappointed in myself that I didn't say it to him sooner."

"Well, now that you have, the entire thing's goddamn done and over with," he pointed out.

She nodded. "Yes. I thought that it was him that was on my mind constantly, that I was missing him. Really, it was just my guilt that was clouding my head. Once I told him the truth, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders."

He nodded. "Good to hear."

She smiled at him, but he noticed her smile falter when they made eye contact. She seemed to think over her words carefully as she spoke. "I want to do something for you," she said with genuine earnest. "To thank you, for giving me a swift kick in the ass when I needed it." She took a breath, her eyes steeling in their resolve. "Not too many people on this ship have taken time to worry about me like you have."

"That isn't necessary," he said, shrugging. "They all have their own shit to deal with, anyway. Doesn't make me anything goddamn special."

"That doesn't make me any less grateful to you."

Zaeed didn't quite know how to respond; very few people were honestly grateful for his presence in their lives. "What did you have in mind, then?"

She put her brush down on the bed beside her. "I wasn't sure." She looked away, embarassed. "The only thing that seemed worthwhile that I could come up with was cooking for you."

"Cooking?" he said, raising an eyebrow. "Since when do you goddamn cook?"

"My mother taught me to cook. It's a basic survival skill, Zaeed."

He couldn't argue with that. "I still had no idea you could cook."

She smiled at him. "You never asked."

His eyes met hers, and when they did, he saw something in them that he hadn't seen before. He hadn't seen such a look thrown his way since he was in his younger years. It didn't help that her hair was down, either. _This is dangerous._ "You should be careful, Shepard. Telling a me that you want to cook me a goddamn home-cooked meal sounds a lot like you're coming on to me."

He smile widened. "_You_ should be careful, Massani. Saying it like that almost makes you sound like you'd be _interested_."

It was his turn to clear his throat now. "I don't play games like this, Shepard."

Her smile faded. "Who said I was playing games?"

He stood, the thoughts in his head so muddled together that he had no idea what to think. "You have no idea what you're trying to get at, Shepard."

She raised an eyebrow at him this time. "Isn't that the point? To find out?"

He looked down at her, frowning. "You just kicked that asshole to the curb a few days ago. You're not goddamn thinking straight, talking to me like this."

"I told you," she said, standing while keeping a hold of his gaze, "I've been feeling this way for a while now." Nervousness filled her features. "I have no excuses standing in the way of me being honest with myself anymore. Or with you."

_Oh, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. _"What if I said I don't feel the same way?"

She thought about that for a moment. "It wouldn't change anything," she said finally. "Feelings don't just change like that, Zaeed. They're not switches that can be flipped." She took a step towards him. "I'm not standing here asking for anything, Zaeed. I'm just being honest with how I feel."

He felt his chest tighten as he backed away. "I…have no fucking clue what to goddamn say to that, Shepard."

She let out a breath. "Then don't say anything."

"What if I don't _want_ to say anything to that?"

That caused her to back away. "Then…I suppose silence would be your reply."

He swallowed hard, briefly taking in the image of her standing there, with her face framed by soft waves and full of vulnerability. "Good night, Shepard," he said, before walking away.


	11. Never Goddamn Happened

"Mr. Massani, Commander Shepard has requested your presence in the captain's quarters."

He looked at the holographic blue orb, grumbling. "What the fuck does she want?"

"She did not say," EDI replied. "She did ask me, however, to impress upon you that it is not a personal matter."

He let out a growl. "Tell her I'm coming." Shepard had been trying to corner him for a while now, but he couldn't bring himself to deal with her after their last encounter. He didn't need her repeating her performance concerning Kaidan on account of him. _It's a mess of my own goddamn making. Fuck it all._

As he entered her room, he found Shepard sitting at her desk, looking at the photo frame she had there. "I thought you were done with this shit, Shepard!"

She turned to him, a small smile on her face. "I changed the picture." She picked it up and handed it to him.

There were two people in the photo now, smiling and holding each other. "Your parents." She nodded with a smile. He was shocked as he looked over her mother's features. "You're half Asian?"

"Half Japanese, to be precise," she answered as she stood. "My mother's features weren't very pronounced, though, and I look a lot like my dad, so people don't ever realize it when they look at me."

He looked up at her, studying her face as he handed the frame back to her. "I can see it."

She simply smiled at him. "Anyway, the reason why I called you up here is because I'm working on my sniper rifle. It got a little dinged up in the last battle. I managed to repair the outside, but there are a few internal parts that aren't looking so good. I wanted your opinion on whether they're salvagable or not."

He followed her to the table, frowning at the myriad of pieces laid out on the table. "You could have taken the goddamn thing to Jacob. That _is_ his job."

She smirked as she sat on the couch. "Yes, but he hasn't been avoiding me like the plague."

As he turned to walk away, Shepard called after him. "You were the one that told me to not bury my problems, Zaeed. You can't avoid me forever."

He stopped, turning to her. "This is different, Shepard."

"How?" she asked. "Because now _you're_ the one that doesn't feel like dealing with your problems? How does that make it okay?" She sat back on the couch. "Let me be clear here. From a professional perspective, I can't have anything standing in the way of us working as a team. I'm going to need you out there working with me, Zaeed, doing what you do best." Her face softened. "From a personal standpoint, you're my friend, and I don't want to lose that. I was serious when I said I wasn't asking you for anything. I was just stating my feelings, nothing more. Your reaction was all the response that I needed, so don't worry about it."

He glared at her. "It had nothing to fucking do with that, Shepard!"

"It has _everything_ to do with that," she countered. "You're afraid I'll cling to you like I did to Kaidan, so you're avoiding me. I don't want that." She sighed. "If I could take back what I said, I would, if it would put things back the way they were."

Zaeed would have walked out on her if her words hadn't been so goddamn _honest_. He could see the fear plainly in her eyes; she didn't want to fuck up their friendship.

The truth was, he didn't like avoiding her. He used her to blow off steam just as much as she used him. Whatever was between them _worked_, and she was serious about preserving that. The image of her face when he had walked out on her the last time was still burned into his mind, and he couldn't deny that it had been nagging at him ever since. She didn't look too different now from the way she did then; proud and strong, with pain underneath it all.

"Fine. As far as I'm concerned, our last talk never goddamn happened." He didn't miss the look of relief on her face as he sat next to her. "Now, let's look at exactly how badly you fucked up your gun."


	12. Only You

"So," Zaeed began as he started on his first glass of whiskey for the night, "Chakwas told me you finally got that med bay upgrade installed."

Rowan raised an eyebrow. "You talk to Dr. Chakwas?"

"Every one in a while, yeah, why the fuck not? She's a good old broad," he said. "She invited me in to the bay to try some of this expensive brandy she said you bought for her."

She chuckled. "She deserves it." She took a swig of whiskey from her own glass with a smile. "She deserves the med bay upgrade, too. Just to see the look on her face at the new tech I had installed was worth it."

"I can only imagine." Zaeed watched her quietly as he drank. She watched him as well, just as silently, until he spoke again. "After the glass of brandy, she told me that she had offered to get rid of your scars."

Rowan put her glass down on the table. "She did. Apparently, the tech I had installed is capable of all but erasing any outward trace of my cybernetic implants."

"Are you gonna do it?"

Rowan looked at him with a sad smile. "The thought crossed my mind, but I don't think I will."

He raised an eyebrow. "And why the hell not?"

She looked him dead in the eyes. "You understand why, Zaeed, probably better than anyone else on the ship."

The look in her eyes told him everything. They reminded her of what she'd been through, of what she could overcome. They were badges of honor, more important than the metal trinket framed on her desk. They kept her grounded in reality, reminded her of her mortality. They told others the story of the hell she had been throw, and the hell she could wreak on them. They kept her focused. As her friend, as a fellow warrior who bared his scars, he _knew_.

"Yeah," he said with a bit more of an edge to his voice than he had intended. "I get it."

She picked up her glass and raised it to him with a small smile and drank, only breaking their eye contact to place her glass back on the table. When she did that, he spoke again. "The trick to it is to not carry around all the goddamn pain and other bullshit that came with 'em. You just need to carry around the lessons they taught you." He sat back, eyeing her curiously. "What did your scars teach you, Shepard?"

She seemed to seriously consider the question. "That I'm not unbeatable, like everyone else in the galaxy seems to think I am. Sometimes, when you hear people say that kind of thing over and over, a part of you begins to believe it, and you start rushing into situations, making brash decisions, too many mistakes, thinking that you always know what's best." She took another sip of her whiskey. "They reminded me that I'm still human, flawed just like everything else in the universe, but that I can't let that stop me from doing what I have to do." She looked at him. "What did your scars teach you, Zaeed?"

He frowned, giving her a hard look. That answer was easy. "They taught me to not fully trust a single goddamn person in existence. Ever."

"You can't go on living that way forever," she said, leaning forward, "Especially if you're serious about nailing the Collectors. We have to work together as a team. We have to trust each other with our lives." She put her glass back down on the table. "Besides, that's an awfully lonely way to live."

"I don't goddamn need anyone," he said. "I've had my fair share of friends, some who were loyal to the end, and more who fucked me over."

"Everybody needs someone, Zaeed," Shepard said to him firmly. "No person is an island, as they say. Every person that touches you, good or bad, shapes who you become. You taught me to own who I am and how I've changed. I think that includes being willing to change as well." She eyed him seriously. "There has to be _someone_ you can trust in the universe."

His thoughts made him hesitate. There was one person that he trusted, but he found himself reluctant to say it. "I trust you, Shepard." She smiled at that. "I wasn't so sure if I could trust you as far as I could fucking throw you, but what you did for me with Vido was more than enough to know that I could trust you." He grumbled. "I could trust a good bunch of the rest of the goddamn crew too, I guess, at least while in battle."

She raised an eyebrow. "What about outside of battle?"

He felt the now all-too common urge to get up and leave at the way she was looking at him. She didn't want things to change after she had admitted that she was interested in him, but he found that to be goddamn impossible. He felt like their talks were more like navigating mine fields now; every word could give her the wrong impression and blow up in his face.

The thing was, it wouldn't be entirely the wrong impression.

_Fuck it all. Life's too goddamn short to agonize over this kind of shit. _Brutal honesty seemed to be the foundation for whatever was between him and Shepard. He couldn't hold back that truth any longer. He shouldn't have to. He didn't _want_ to.

If she could change and accept it, why couldn't he do the same for them?

"Outside of battle?" He smirked. "Just you, Shepard. Only you."


	13. Beauty

"This planet is beautiful."

Zaeed scoffed at Shepard's comment. "Yeah, sure, if you ignore the fact that the sun can goddamn kill you!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. "Hey, I was just making a comment."

He scoffed again, this time at the view. It was traditionally beautiful, sure, but he wasn't one to jump to agree with convention.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, and to Zaeed, beauty was simpler than that. Beauty was an ice-cold beer, or an unopened bottle of whiskey. A clean, perfectly-executed kill was a beautiful thing to behold as well. His war trophies were beautiful. Jessie was goddamn gorgeous. _She surely is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, that's for fucking sure_.

"Look out, stray Geth!"

Zaeed instinctively took cover the moment Jack's warning rang through the air. He ducked behind a rock, and watched Jack and Shepard share cover behind a spare crate.

The Geth shot a seemingly endless stream of bullets, giving them very little chance to hit the damn thing. Zaeed popped up and got a few shots in on it, but he had to take cover again as the Geth turned it's fire towards him.

"Jack, stay down!"

Zaeed turned to his left to see Jack throw the Geth into the air with biotics and then duck down, and Shepard spring up from the other side of her. With the grace of a lioness, she lifted a leg onto the crate and propelled herself up, landing on top of it. As she landed, she pulled her sniper rifle to her face, lined up the shot, and fired.

The shot whizzed through the air, catching the moving Geth right in the chest. Like a broken doll, it fell to the ground, limbs splayed and twitching slightly. As the twitching died down and the last signs of life faded from the Geth, Shepard stood tall upon the crate, the deadly sun gleaming behind her, residual heat slithering out from the barrel of the rifle, and a predatory smile on her face.

At that moment, Zaeed decided to add 'attractive women handling sniper rifles' to his personal list of beautiful things.


	14. Confession

Part of an alphabet challenge on Tumblr, where you write drabbles based off of words that start with each letter of the alphabet. The last chapter, "Beauty", was the "B" part of the challenge, and this is "C". "D" will wind up being a part of this, too :)

This is also in response to a fan who asked what Kaidan's response to Shep's last letter would be. Enjoy!

* * *

><p>Shepard was shocked when she saw her personal terminal light up in the reflection of the fish tank. She put down the fish food, taking a deep breath before she turned and strode over to her desk, sitting down and retrieving the message.<p>

She almost choked on her own breath. _It's from Kaidan_.

Rowan had no desire to open this door again. Her finger hovered over the 'delete' button, but she couldn't seem to do it. Letting out a frustrated growl, she jammed her finger onto the subject line and read.

_Shepard,_

_I'll start off here by telling you the same thing I told you that night before Ilos. You were right. About everything._

_My faith in us, my belief in what we had, has wavered. I can't bring myself to feel about you, about us, the way that I did before.I tried, I really, really did, but I can't change the way I feel, just like you can't change the way you feel._

_I should probably confess at this point that I was drunk off of my ass when I wrote you that first message._

_It was drunken emotion that fueled everything. I wanted so badly in that moment to try and make things work. Maybe, if the opportunity presents itself, we can try again, but…I don't know. I did make progress in moving on in those two years. I can't just undo that, so I can't rightfully object at you wanting to try and do the same._

_I also have to admit that I didn't stop to think about what you had been through. I can't imagine what it must have been like. How could I expect you to not have changed when faced with that? I guess, it's because sometimes the fire in you shines so brightly, I forget you're only human, like I am._

_I was always the one to tell you that what was between us couldn't get in the way of the mission. You're making the right decision, Shepard. Get those Collector bastards. Do what's right. I know you can._

_-Kaidan_

Shepard took a shaky breath, ignoring her silent tears as she finally hit the 'delete' button. When all was said and done, she was glad that she had read it. It was good to see Kaidan be honest with her, and with himself. She had been so much happier when she had reached that point. Maybe Kaidan could find that happiness now, too.

Wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands, she stood, suddenly feeling energized, as if she couldn't sit still. She had too much energy suddenly, and she knew exactly how she wanted to work it off.


	15. Duel

Zaeed looked up from his place against the wall as Shepard entered the cargo bay. "Little late to be paying me a visit, isn't it?"

She shook her head with a smile. "Not tonight. I can't sleep; I have all of this energy for some reason."

He smirked. "Too much coffee?"

"Nope, just happy." Zaeed didn't care enough to ask what had brought her good mood on. _Chances are, bringing it up will kill her goddamn sunny disposition anyway_. "Here for more stories, then?"

"I was thinking of something a bit more physical." Her smile spread. "Want to spar?"

He laughed. "You can't be fucking serious, Shepard!"

She put a hand on her hip. "Why wouldn't I be? It's been a while since I've done some friendly sparring, and everyone else is asleep." She stepped forward, her smile never leaving her face. "Don't tell me you're _scared_, Zaeed."

He scoffed. "Shepard, I would wipe the goddamn floor with you. Don't test me."

Her face fell slightly. "Come on, let's you and me spar, one-on-one, hand-to-hand, clean and fair, just a test of our abilities. Like a duel."

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't play 'clean and fair', Shepard."

That only served to perk her up again. "That works for me! What's the point of sparring if your partner doesn't push your abilities?"

_She isn't going to fucking drop it, is she?_ He pulled himself from the wall, rotating his shoulders and stretching his neck. _Far be it from me to deny the great Commander Shepard_. "I don't want to hear your bitching when I hurt you."

"Funny, I was just about to say the same thing to you!"

She took up an offensive stance that Zaeed didn't recognize. _What the hell is she doing?_He decided to step forward and throw a punch, to see how she would react.

She caught his fist, which he knew she would, but before he could throw a punch with his other arm, she bent his arm at the elbow and twisted, turning him around and pinning his arm behind him. With her free arm, she grabbed his neck gently and pushed him into the wall.

"Let me guess," he said with amusement. "Your mother taught you kung-fu."

She let go of him, smacking him playfully in the side. "Jackass. She taught me shotakon, actually. Not every martial art is kung-fu."

"Well, I don't know any fancy goddamn fighting styles, but I do know something you clearly don't fucking know."

She raised an eyebrow at him this time. "What would that be?"

He grabbed her by the neck, shoving downward and forcing her to bend over. He then used his other arm to grab her by the waist. Lifting her in the air, he turned and threw her onto his cot, where she bounced once or twice before looking at him in shock.

He simply grinned at her. "You should _never_fucking let go of an opponent once you have the advantage!"

With a laugh, she sprang up like a cat and lunged at him. This time, he was aware of the speed and accuracy that her previously unknown training had afforded her. The knowledge allowed him to keep up with her, allowed him time to study her moves.

Shepard was an ace with a gun, but hand-to-hand was not her strong point, he realized. There was a flaw to being trained in a particular fighting style: it limited your techniques. He began to let up on her slightly, allowing her to press a small advantage to see how she would respond. _She's quick with her hands, and she can kick pretty goddamn high, but…_

He caught her ankle as she tried to land a kick to his face. He had barely caught it in time; he felt the worn soles of her shoes pressed against his nose. With as much force as he could muster, he twisted, sending her spinning face down into the ground.

Before she could even attempt to get up, he was on her, scooping her up yet again by the waist. This time, however, he charged towards the wall, slamming her against it and forcing a cry of pain from her. He held her there with one arm pressed length-wise against her waist and the other pressed likewise against her chest. He held one of her legs to the wall with one of his knees with a trimphant grin. "Now who's up against the wall?"

Despite the pain she had to be in, she smiled at him. "Well done. You were analyzing me, weren't you?"

He smirked. "The problem with martial arts is that it limits your techniques. You hit fast and hard, Shepard, but you concentrate too much on your upper body. You're not paying attention to the trouble your kicks can get you in if you land them in the wrong goddamn place."

She nodded. "Fair enough." Still, she had put up much more of a fight than he had anticipated. He could tell by the way she was panting and how her skin was flushed that she had honestly put her all into fighting him.

It occured to him at that moment that he was also close enough to feel those panting breaths on his face, and to feel the heat of her skin against his. Her eyes were locked onto his face, simply smiling at him, her green eyes almost sparkling with enjoyment.

Without thinking, he leaned closer, brushing his cheek against hers as he leaned into her ear. "Still, you never fail to impress me, Shepard," he said in a whisper. "I might even be interested in having another go at it one day."

He could almost feel her smile. "A tempting offer, Massani. I think I just might take you up on that." He let go of her, noticing a rather wicked smile on her face as she walked around him.

"I think I'm gonna hit the showers and then go to bed." She stopped in the doorway to face him. "Thanks for the workout," she said with a small wink before exiting.

He sighed. _I need a shower, too. A cold one._


	16. Explosion

Shepard winced as she jumped over the glass and landed in a crouching position, feeling the ground shake beneath her feet as an explosion rang through the air. She let out a breath, a small smile coming to her face. It was finished. The false signal from the Blue Suns, and their entire resistance, was destroyed.

"Done," Jack said simply, holstering her gun. She grinned and patted Zaeed on the back. "You should be smiling, old man. We just wiped out the fuckers that screwed with you." Jack turned, walking brisquely out the door and back towards the entrance.

"She's in a good mood," Rowan pointed out, standing. "Then again, she's always in a good mood after we kill this many people." She went to follow Jack.

"Shepard, wait."

She turned, leaning against a tall stack of crates. Zaeed certainly didn't look as happy as she would have thought it would. "What's wrong, Zaeed?"

He walked toward her. "You do realize that not every goddamn person in the Blue Suns fucked me over, right? They've recruited a lot of members since then."

She nodded. "I'm aware. Why?"

"They had nothing to do with me," he grumbled. "You didn't have to do this."

Shepard couldn't help but smile a bit. "The Blue Suns were a problem, regardless of whether they messed with you directly or not. You told me that yourself when we took out Vido."

"I know what I fucking said." He stalked closer. The anger on his face took her by surprise. "You also told me that you hate killing without necessity. These people were bastards of the highest fucking caliber, Shepard, but they had nothing to do with our goddamn mission."

She took a breath and steeled her resolve. "I'm not broken up about it, Zaeed. I appreciate your concern, but think about it. How many innocent lives would they have taken if I hadn't stopped them here?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "I won't make the mistake that I made with that terrorist again. Are you going to tell me that you didn't want these guys dead?"

He sighed. "Of course I wanted them fucking dead, Shepard, but you didn't have to go out of your goddamn way to do it! I could have done it myself after this was all fucking over!"

"I didn't do this for kicks, Zaeed. I did it for _you._" She went to slide out through the space between Zaeed and the crates she was up against to leave, but Zaeed stopped her.

Before she knew what was happening, he had grabbed her forearms and slammed her against the crates. He pressed himself against her, giving her a look that she couldn't quite read before he closed what little space was left between them and crushed his lips against hers.

In the next moment, she was pressing herself back against him, and his arms were around her, and one of her hands had somehow found their way into his hair. She felt one of his hands slide downwards, grabbing her by the backside and pressing her even closer to him.

The move took her by such surprise that she actually let out a gasp, and he took the opportunity to use his tongue, deepening the kiss and letting out small growl against her. His kiss was rough and crude, and a shiver went through when she realized it was exactly what she had thought it would be.

She had no idea how long they stayed that way, but when they finally did part, it was only to catch their breaths. She looked up at him, and she finally realized what she had seen in his eyes just before.

"Thank you, Shepard," he said, his voice thick and rough, before letting go of her and walking off to follow Jack's path out of the room. She could do nothing but stand there, frozen in shock. With the slight taste of cigarettes still on her tongue, she forced herself to breath, swallowing hard before following Zaeed.


	17. Fury

"Hey, Comm—"

Shepard didn't care to hear anything Joker had to say. She blew into the Normandy and right past him, her hands curled tightly into fists. She ignored the looks of astonishment from her crew as she stormed through the ship and to the elevator.

When the elevator door closed, she let out a scream and punched the door, not caring about the bruising it was sure to cause later. She had used every single drop of her self-control to not to stalk out of Anderson's office and go to the Council in person and mow them down.

When the elevator opened, she went straight into her quarters. She took a deep breath, and when the door closed behind her, she let everything just _go_.

She knocked over her computer chair as she grabbed for the books on her desk and threw them against the wall, one by one, letting out a shout of anger fly with each book. When that was done, she all but stumbled down the stairs towards her bed. She grabbed the sheets and the pillows and threw them with as much force as she could muster.

By the time she had finished tearing her bed apart and had starting rummaging for bottles of alcohol to throw, her door opened. "Shepard! What in the fucking hell do you think you're doing, you crazy bitch!"

She turned to see Zaeed darting for her. _EDI must have called him. Can't she ever stay out of my business?_ "Stay away, Zaeed!"

"Just put down the goddamn bottle, Shepard!" He said, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. "Do you really need to waste a good bottle like that?"

She looked at the bottle in her hand and realized it was one of the whiskey bottles they had been chipping away at in their spare time together. Suddenly, she felt tired, and her arms went limp. She placed the bottle on the table.

"Sit. _Now_." He barked the words out so much like a command that she obeyed. He sat on the table, facing her. "Now tell me what the fuck is going on!"

She punched the couch. "The Council completely betrayed me! I hate to say this, but Cerberus was right about them!" She looked at Zaeed, feeling herself fill with rage again. "They've decided that everything I fought for, everything that I sacrificed innocent lives to stop, is just a 'theory' that they've dismissed!"

She punched the couch again. "They said I'm being manipulated, that Saren and Cerberus are messing with my head! God damn it, Zaeed, I sacrificed human lives to save these bastards! I risked my life, _lost _my life, in service to them, and they're trying to call bullshit on me! I should have let them die when I had the chance!"

"Hey, hey!" He grabbed her shoulders as she tried to rise and grab for more bottles, pushing her back down onto the couch. "Shepard, look at me."

She did, and his eyes were so set on hers, so still, that she felt her body follow suit. "You don't need those sons of bitches to believe you. All you need is yourself, this crew, and this ship. Fuck the rest of it."

She tried desperately to calm her breathing. "They gave me my Spectre status back. They said I can use the resources to do what I have to, so long as I don't implicate them working with Cerberus. I swear, Zaeed, I will use every penny they have, and then space _them_, and then they can see what it feels like!" She gritted her teeth. "And that fucking Turian Councilor! I'm going to take his air quotes and shove them up his ass so hard that they'll come back up his throat and he can choke on his own stupidity!"

Zaeed actually laughed at that. "An amusing thought! I don't think I've ever seen you this fired up, Shepard." He smirked. "As good of a look as it is on you, you can't let it make you lose control like this. You have a goddamn mission to do. Save your anger for the Collectors."

She sighed in exasperation, her shoulders slumping. "You're right. I just…to have them spit everything I've done back into my face like that…."

He pulled her towards him with one arm into a hug. She felt herself skip a breath as his hand rested on the back of her head. "Take a deep breath, and calm the fuck down. You can rub it in their faces later. It'll make it all the sweeter, trust me."

Slowly, she felt her arms rise to wrap themselves around him. The grip he had on her tightened slightly, and after a few minutes, she even felt his hand rub her back gently. "Now that you're hissy fit is over, you should probably clean this mess up. Miranda will have a fit."

Shepard pulled away from him slightly to give him a small smile. _He always has a way to break my bad mood_. "Thanks, Zaeed."

His hand was still on the back of her head, and as he looked at her, she felt his thumb graze the back of her neck lightly, so lightly that she wasn't sure if the move had been intentional or not. "Zaeed…" Her voice was softer than she had intended it to be. "We…we never talked about—"

"Shepard, Miranda has requested your presence in her office immediately."

Their hands fell off of each other quickly. "I'll be there in a minute, EDI. Let her know I'm okay."

"Very well, Shepard."

They both stood. Rowan opened her mouth to speak, but Zaeed cut her off before she could.

"Go see Miranda," he said sternly. "I warned you that I don't play games. We _will_ talk about what happened, but now's not the goddamn time."

She nodded silently, and Zaeed quickly exited the room. Looking at the mess that her surroundings had become, she set to cleaning everything up as quickly as she could.


	18. Give and Take

Zaeed leaned against the wall of the elevator as it ascended, bottle of whiskey in hand. It had been almost a week since he and Shepard had gotten a chance to drink together. Truth be hold, he kind of missed telling her stories and watching her get progressively more drunk as the night went on, the latter especially now that he knew she was drinking for pleasure, and not to drown her sorrows.

When he got up to her room and entered, he stopped short. She was at the table, putting glasses down in front of two rather full plates of food. She looked up when she heard the door open and smiled. "Good, you're just in time!"

He raised an eyebrow as he walked closer to the scene. "What in the bloody hell is all this?"

"You don't remember?" she asked as she stood up straight. "I told you that I wanted to cook for you, to show my gratitude for being here for me."

He did remember now. "I didn't think you'd actually fucking do it."

She smirked. "I try not to make promises I can't keep. Come, sit. I picked up some really good stuff from our trip to the Citadel."

He couldn't deny that he was hungry, or that the food she had cooked looked appetizing, so he decided to indulge her. He sat next to her, pouring them both a glass from the bottle he brought. After taking a sip, he chuckled, looking at the plate of steak, roasted potatoes, and green beans. "I would have thought you'd make sushi or some shit."

She smacked him in the arm, which only made him laugh harder. "Seriously? Just because I'm Japanese?"

"That, and you're goddamn hilarious when you're pissed." She just shook her head before starting on her own plate. When he followed suit, he found that the food was some of the best he'd had in a long time. "This is actually pretty damn good, Shepard."

"Thank you!" she said happily. "I'm pretty proud of how it came out, considering how long it's been since I've cooked."

He smirked at her again. "Well, look at your goddamn competition. The cook we have here can't cook to save his fucking life."

"Hey, lay off of him! He's been getting better, he tries really hard!" Still, she was chuckling as she drank her whiskey. Eventually, their meal was finished. When Shepard finished her second glass, she looked at him, he instantly knew what was coming. "So, it's been a while since we've gotten to spend time talking like this."

"Yeah, it has."

"Things are getting pretty hectic," she said. "We'll probably have less and less time to do this kind of thing." She looked almost shy as she spoke. "Since we have the time—"

"Shepard, you don't need to dance around fucking words with me." He turned to face her. "I know what you're getting at, and I told you when you threw that fit of yours that we would talk." He cleared his throat. "So, talk."

She blinked, seemingly caught off-guard by his forthrightness. "Okay. I, ah…guess I should start by pointing out that you seemed pretty adamant about not wanting this kind of thing to happen."

"I was," he said. "Part of me still is. But, it happened. Can't take that back." He poured himself another glass of whiskey. "Don't ask me why I did it, by the way. I have no fucking clue."

She looked at him silently for several moments, as if carefully choosing her next words. "Zaeed, you and I have a connection. It's nothing to be ashamed of, or scared of, or concerned about. It just…happened. Gradually. Naturally. We got to know each other, and…" She sighed before straightening her posture and looking him dead in the eyes. "There is something between us, Zaeed. You can't deny that."

He looked at her, at the resolve in her eyes, and thought back to every time they had been on this couch together. He couldn't think of a single thing to say to her. _Nothing left but the truth_. "I could if I goddamn wanted to. It's…complicated, Shepard."

"It doesn't have to be," she said. "It doesn't have to be this weird, awkward thing. To be honest, I'm okay with how I feel about you, regardless of what happens." She bit her bottom lip slightly. "I thought I knew how you felt about me, but after what happened…I'm not so sure anymore."

He hadn't been so sure himself since he had kissed her, but as he looked at her there, being more honest about what was going on between them then he could ever hope to be, he suddenly felt more sure than ever. "Shepard, listen. I'm not what you think. I'm no little fucking cozy house. I'm no goddamn white picket fence."

"I don't want a cozy house or a picket fence," she said seriously. "Just you. I do have you, as a friend, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more than that."

He looked at her with the same serious as her tone had carried. "When I want something, Shepard, I take it. I did what I did because I goddamn wanted to. I don't know the fucking how or why of it, I just know that I wanted to."

She smiled at that, and moved closer to him. "You don't have to take anything from me, Zaeed. If I have something, and you want it, I'll gladly give it. All you need to do is ask."

Despite her words, he didn't need to ask for her to lean forward and press her lips against his. He did, however, take it upon himself to pull her against him when she did it.


	19. Instincts

ADULT CONTENT AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

* * *

><p>"How did you get so damn good in battle, anyway?" Shepard asked, sitting back on her couch. She was more than a little drunk, and she was sure from his smirk that Zaeed was well aware of it.<p>

"Training," he said. "Meticulous goddamn practice. Survival. _Instinct._"

The last word sobered her up slightly. She sat forward, the ghosts of explosions and people screaming ringing in her ear. "During the final hours of the Skyllian Blitz, instinct saved my ass." She looked at him, laughing a bit. "You know, I get so much praise for that battle, but to be honest, I had no clue what I was doing. I knew the situation was impossible, but I just couldn't stop firing. My mind was in a panic, but at the center of it was this…clarity, almost like a calm in the eye of a storm."

She stood, suddenly feeling anxious at the memories flooding into her mind. "When it was over, I was so tired. I thought I was going to die from pure exhaustion. Every bone in my body ached. I could barely manage a thought, yet I'd single-handedly held back an attack like that just moments before."

"Instinct is a powerful thing," Zaeed said almost musingly. "People fight their instincts every goddamn day, if you think about it. Makes you wonder what you could accomplish if you did nothing but follow your gut."

"That's a good point." She felt the urge to grab another glass of whiskey, but she decided against it. _I've had enough for tonight, I think._ Instead, she decided to follow her own instincts and turned her attention to Zaeed. "If you could let go of everything, right now, in this moment, what would your gut instinct tell you to do?"

She had expected him to scoff at her and call her question stupid, but instead he looked at her thoughtfully. Slowly, he stood and walked over to her. She felt her heart begin to race as he reached a hand out towards her. His fingertips brushed along her cheek gently, traveling to her neck. She shuddered slightly as his fingers traveled upwards.

His hand eventually reached the bun on top of her head. Even while keeping his eyes locked with hers, it didn't take him long to undo it, and she blinked at the feeling of her hair falling and tumbling over her shoulders. His fingers buried themselves in it, letting the dark brown strands run in between them. She saw fire in his eyes before he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers.

She instantly responded, finding that this kiss was much more gentle than his normal ones. That didn't last for long, however, as his free hand slid around her waist and pulled her against him. He used the hand in her hair to tilt her head back, granting him a better angle to deepen their kiss at.

When they broke for air, she expected him to stop like he usually did. Instead, she found his lips making their way to her jaw, her neck, anywhere he could seem to get them. A small sound of pleasure escaped her as she wrapped her arms around him tightly, her nails digging slightly into his back.

She felt his hands start to tug at her shirt, and before she knew it, he was pulling it over her head and throwing it to the side. The look in his eyes as they traveled along her newly exposed skin made her jump at the chance to press her lips against his jaw, eager to return the pleasure he had just given her. The approving sound he gave her in return only served to egg her on.

When she nipped at his neck playfully, she felt his breath hitch, and his hands instantly went to her chest, caressing her through her bra. It wasn't long before he fumbled to get that off as well.

When he seemed to have trouble, she smiled against his neck and pulled back, reaching her arms behind her and undoing the bra herself. She swung it around her finger for a moment, smirking at him before throwing it away.

He took a moment to look her over yet again, and she seized the opportunity to push him backwards, making him fall onto her bed in a sitting position. She walked forward, straddling his lap as she grabbed a hold of his armor and started removing it with his help.

When she finally got his shirt off, she let her nails trail their way down his chest, enjoying the shudder that went through him. His hands grabbed at her chest eagerly, wanting to feel her as much as she did him.

She kissed him hard, like he always kissed her, wanting to show him she was ready for whatever he could throw at her. After indulging in their current position for a short while, Zaeed seemed to receive the message she had been trying to send. He grabbed her by the waist and he stood, chuckling as she wrapped her legs around him. He turned so that her back was facing the bed and pulled her away from him, throwing her onto the bed.

It reminded her of their sparring session down in the cargo bay, except rather than seeing amusement on his face, all she saw was desire. She smiled as he crawled over her.

"I like where your instincts are taking you."

He chuckled at that. "I could tell, Shepard. You're like an open goddamn book when I get my hands on you. I like it." He kissed her collarbone, letting his lips trail lower.

She gently kneed him in the side, trying to steady her breaths through the sensation of his lips traveling along her skin. "For every time you call me Shepard while we're doing stuff like this, I'm calling you Mr. Massani."

He kissed even lower, a hand trailing up her stomach. "I didn't know you were that goddamn kinky…_Rowan._"

The sound of her first name from his lips as they explored her body was something she knew she would never forget. She wanted so badly to touch him, to make him feel as good as she felt in this moment, but the moment she tried, he had her wrists pinned to the bed by his hands.

She didn't mind it in the slightest. She spent her days planning and giving orders and taking lead; she was more than happy to let Zaeed take the lead in these situations. She moaned as he pressed his hips against hers, feeling how much he wanted her. He silenced her with a deep, rough kiss, and although she tried to take the opportunity to touch him, he again fended her off, grabbing for the waistband of her pants instead.

_What have I gotten myself into_? When he finally got her pants off of her and trailed his hand in between her legs, she decided that she was more than ready to find out.


	20. Jessie

ADULT CONTENT. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

* * *

><p>Zaeed was about to lay down and get some sleep when Shepard entered the cargo bay. He looked at her oddly from his place sitting on his cot when she walked in with a large bag. "Where the fuck have you been?"<p>

"Shopping," she said, an excited twinkle in her eyes. "I took Jacob and Tali to get some good parts to upgrade the ship and some of the guns we've picked up over the last few missions."

Zaeed whistled, looking her over. "And there's not a scratch on you. I'm fucking impressed!"

She smirked. "How ever did you know that I had to stand in between them the entire time?"

He chuckled in reply. He knew very little about the Quarian on board, but he did know that she hated Cerberus with a passion. "So, what the hell is in the bag?"

Her face lit up at his question. "A present for you." Before he could ask what the hell it was, she pulled it out of the bag and set it on top of a cargo box.

"It's a gun case," he said, walking over to take a look at it. It was old, with obvious wear and tear all over it.

"Yes, it is!" she said proudly. "We're getting closer to facing off against the Collectors. I don't know how many pieces we'll all be in when it's over. When I got to thinking about it, I realized that there's one thing on the ship I had yet to upgrade in preparation for the battle." She looked at him with a smile. "It's for Jessie."

She opened the gun case. Inside, it looked like it was brand new, with a soft, protective interior. "I saw this used case for her model for order, but I wanted her to have a good home, a good place to stay and weather through what we're facing, so I had the inside redone." She looked away from him, embarrassment clear on her face. "I couldn't bring myself to redo the outside. It's been through a lot, you can tell by looking at it, but it's still totally intact. Strong. Resilient. Like Jessie…and you."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He let his fingers run over the soft interior of the case. Zaeed was unable to find words to express his thoughts. As much as he liked telling stories, he was no good at articulating emotion. Instead, he went with a more direct route and grabbed her by the waist, kissing her hard.

Her shock was muffled against their kiss, and he paid no mind to it. Instead, he picked her up and slammed her against the window, holding her up with one arm and using the other to try and undo her pants.

She broke their kiss with a gasp. "You do realize you have me up against the window, right?" She groaned slightly as he answered her question with a small bite on her neck. "If a ship comes by, they'll have quite the view."

He smiled against her skin. "Good," he said thickly, enjoying the sound she made as he ground his hips against hers. "Let them look all they goddamn want. Your ass belongs to _me_."

She dipped her head down to capture his lips with hers as she pulled at his own pants. "Nice to know there's room in your life for the both of us," she said against his lips.

He barked out a laugh at that. "Nice to know that you're aware you're not the only goddamn woman in my life!"

She smiled at him, running her fingers through his hair. "Well, I have to admit, Jessie _is _pretty sexy."

He gave her a small smile in return, his hand gliding over her backside."So are you," he said before kissing her again. They didn't need any more words after that.


End file.
